A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses, and a YSL tie, leaned out of the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The shepherd looked at the man - obviously a yuppie - then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his laptop computer and connected it to a cell phone. Then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with a complex formula. He sent an email to his tablet device and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."
"That is correct; take one of the sheep," said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car. Then the shepherd says, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?"
"OK, why not," answered the young man.
"Clearly, you are a consultant," said the shepherd.
"That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You turned up here, although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business. Now give me back my dog."
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Jokes
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ssdd
- Posts: 2053
- Joined: 06 Sep 2018, 22:39
- Gender: Male
Re: Jokes
Five people are on a plane that is going to crash; Oprah, the Pope, Greta Thunberg, Trump and Dr. Fauci.
Only four parachutes though.
Fauci takes one, says "I’ve got to live so I can find a cure for this pandemic and jumps out of the plane."
The Pope takes one, says "I have to be there to provide spiritual guidance to the faithful during this pandemic and he jumps out."
Trump takes one, says "I have to live, I’m the smartest person in the world" and jumps out.
Oprah says to Greta, "You take the last one. I’ve lived a good life and yours is just beginning. You may save the world from climate change."
Greta says, "No worries. There is still one for each of us. The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."
Only four parachutes though.
Fauci takes one, says "I’ve got to live so I can find a cure for this pandemic and jumps out of the plane."
The Pope takes one, says "I have to be there to provide spiritual guidance to the faithful during this pandemic and he jumps out."
Trump takes one, says "I have to live, I’m the smartest person in the world" and jumps out.
Oprah says to Greta, "You take the last one. I’ve lived a good life and yours is just beginning. You may save the world from climate change."
Greta says, "No worries. There is still one for each of us. The smartest man in the world just jumped out of the plane with my backpack."
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PostmanBitesDog
- Posts: 1428
- Joined: 17 Feb 2019, 15:46
- Gender: Male
Re: Jokes
After having their eleventh child, a Liverpool couple decided that that was enough, as the social handouts wouldn’t buy them a bigger bed and they weren’t strong enough to steal one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy, which would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a huge firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy, which would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a huge firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5...," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.
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PostmanBitesDog
- Posts: 1428
- Joined: 17 Feb 2019, 15:46
- Gender: Male
Re: Jokes
Life Before the Computer:
Memory was something that you lost with age.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
A web was a spider's home.
A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.
A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3½-inch floppy, you just hoped nobody found out.
Memory was something that you lost with age.
An application was for employment.
A program was a TV show.
A cursor used profanity.
A keyboard was a piano.
A web was a spider's home.
A virus was the flu.
A CD was a bank account.
A hard drive was a long trip on the road.
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived.
And if you had a 3½-inch floppy, you just hoped nobody found out.