Tam Cowan: Working as a postman at Christmas is the hardest

[TrueBlueTerrier]

Tam Cowan: Working as a postman at Christmas is the hardest thing I've ever done.. even harder than restaurant reviews

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THE Royal Mail are looking to recruit 2000 Scots to help with the Christmas post.

My advice, folks? DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

I was a part-time postie for the 1986 festive season when I was in sixth year and it was the hardest job I’ve ever done in my life.

Yep, even harder than reviewing restaurants and trying to decide whether I should order the chargrilled fillet steak or the Cajun-spiced salmon.

That’s tough, sure, but hee-haw compared to delivering sackloads of Christmas cards round the doors in Motherwell.

Particularly on the Thursday as that was also giro day.

Honestly, I used to walk home like Groucho Marx and, a few years later, I could sympathise with Brian Laudrup when he was forced to carry an entire Rangers team.

The bag weighed a tonne (I recently got a Vietnam-style flashback when I watched that Channel 4 documentary about The Man With The Ten-Stone Testicles).

Thank goodness for emails or the Record’s postie would surely have been laid up in hospital after the amazing response I received for last week’s competition.

A record total of 1273 readers had a stab at winning the Wooleys of Arran goodie-bag, with entries from as far afield as Germany, Australia, Japan and even Shotts. (When did they get a computer?)

I was looking for songs that would appeal to Matt Keir, the genius who makes the Arran oatcakes at his seafront bakery in Brodick and here’s the best batch...

-Baguette Trousers, My Parfait Cousin (Stevie Hastie)

-Icing Icing Baby, How Much Is That Wasp In The Window? (Stewart Mann)

-You Don’t Bring Me Flours, Real Scone Kid (Brian Gillan)

-Muffin Compares 2 U, In The Gateaux (Iris Potter)

-Tiny Bagels, Distant Crumbs (Ann Biggerstaff)

-You’ve Lost That Oven Feeling, The House Of The Rising Bun (Alfie Mullin)

-My Sweet Lard (John Bruce)

-Rocking Malt Loafer The World (Mick Allison)

-It’s Only Rock Cake ‘n’ Auld’s Rolls But I Like It (Alan Branchfield)

-Hole In My Choux, Life On Marzipan, Let The Tart Base Be Thin by Long John Garibaldi (John Bookless)

Great stuff. And a special mention for all 500 readers who suggested Doughnut Forsake Me Oh My Darling, Yeasterday and Somewhere Over The Rainbow (Weigh A Pie).

Jack Beattie in Rosyth even sent a wee bakery joke. Did you hear about the Mexican who hurt his foot dropping a hot sausage roll on it?

He now claims Inca pastie benefit. Ach, suit yourself.

But the winner is Jim McEwan – a man who’s clearly a big fan of Don McLean. His bakery song?

Buy buy my Arran-cooked pie, loaves are heavy soaked in bevvy but my bread it was dry.

Come on, that’s brilliant.

I RECEIVED an email last week from a chap who works with one of the big American airlines. His boss was coming over to Glasgow for a few days and he asked if I could recommend a restaurant.

“Just give him a tiny bit of lukewarm, rubbery chicken in a foil tray,” I replied, “and see how he f****** likes it...”

[edwardo]

good tam a fellow Motherwell man easy the WELL

[capitalbiker]

Mr Cowan, they might not have a DO but they do have wireless internet in Shotts!

[baldrick]

If you think it was hard in 1986 Tam you should see what it's like now.