Suicide

[Lazycarton]

My mental health is never far from the frayed edges, so yes, it is very fair to say that I have thought of suicide, and do think of suicide constantly. Some would say it comes with the territory of being creative and introverted - one is by nature in love with the world, yet completely isolated from it. One loves and one hates oneself at the same time, and in those hateful moments, it seems like the most sensible thing in the world to destroy yourself.

I have never been to a doctor about it although I know I should. I don't like to talk about this to people although I know I should. My mental health is very bad - I read about illnesses of the mind all the time and I would say I have symptoms consistent with at least two mental disorders. To be honest, I've been like this since I was fourteen, never too far away from wondering whether tomorrow is worth it. I have never actually confided in anyone but I have always been certain that my life will end at my own hands.

It's quite a touchy subject for me because there's an elderly couple on one of the walks in our office that I was quite close to (haven't seen them since our revision). I got to know them pretty well and uncovered one of the unpleasant pieces of their history - their son committed suicide aged 28 due to various troubles in the world. I got to talking about him with his mother one day and she spoke of him in glowing terms 'quick of thought, miles ahead of his peers intellectually, but ultimately unfulfilled because of the malice of those around him'.

I would have thought nothing of it had she not said that I was a lot like him. It's haunted me a bit, but in truth, sometimes I haunt myself.

Great post mate, I was nodding along.

+1

[Lounge Lizard]

Can't believe how many people have replied saying they've considered it! Life is a gift, make the most of it

If you have never had depression you may not have thought that many gifts are worthless.
Several years ago I was off work for many months with depression and though in a better job now still keep questioning how long I can carry on.

[krussel]

I dont normally post personal stuff on here but this is a bit close to the heart at this time of year.

My wife's young cousin hung himself aged just 18yrs old in December 2011. Non drinker, no drugs and was at college and doing well in his subject to become a lawyer. Had a 17yr old girlfriend who seemed nice and they were close. He was all set to inherited £38k from his grandfather (which is just paying out now) so he had money coming in as well.
Left a clear typed note but it really did not make a lot of sense and was confusing other than some trouble getting along with his mum, who he refused to have at his funeral.

His girlfriend is in a real mess and spills out her heart on his Facebook page which she has kept running in his memory. Lots of photo's showing him with lots of friends. He even went to a concert the night before he did it and look really happy. Everyone with him that night has said that he never mentioned his intention but by his actions you can tell it was well planned and he had got things ready. His 23 yr old brother found him after coming home from a night out and has been unable to enter the house since and stays with friends sometime sleeping on the floor.
Although already seperated the family has been completely torn apart by all this and the damage done will stay with them for life.

If he had talked to someone how he was feeling I am sure they could have helped him see the light through the trees. He just had so much to live for but sadly could not see it.

I met his father in the summer and he cannot come to terms with it either and looked like a ghost.

Very sad and a terrible waste.

[girsey]

Working in this place has made me feel over the edge. Rm has no duty of care at all. My self esteem has reached rock bottom and i know my best bet is to get out of here. it really needs to be spoken about.

[alloria]

I am glad you have all been able to speak out, it has made me feel better knowing that I am not alone, but at the same time, it has shocked me just how bad the problem is within the company.

[Lazycarton]

I am glad you have all been able to speak out, it has made me feel better knowing that I am not alone, but at the same time, it has shocked me just how bad the problem is within the company.

Not just RM. As people in their turmoil are unable to voice their torment it is likely there is an epidemic of the walking wounded.

[Lounge Lizard]

Working in this place has made me feel over the edge. Rm has no duty of care at all. My self esteem has reached rock bottom and i know my best bet is to get out of here. it really needs to be spoken about.

No, Royal Mail does have a duty of care which is a legal obligation requiring that they adhere to a standard of reasonable care as an employer, although at times Royal Mail has been negligent and breached that duty of care.

[bedfordrl]

Before working for Royal Mail I worked in agriculture, I had worked on many farms from Wales to Denmark and the last few years in that occupation I found myself being sent to work on failing dairy farms.
It was a farm in Worcester that nearly did me in.

My first day there started at 04:00 and finished 21:00 the next day, everyday was a relentless fight trying to change things or sort out problems from years of mismanagement and neglect of an alcoholic boss .
We had drains that would constantly block and flood the whole yard so everything would have to cleaned away and started again, this happened on Easter Sunday and New Years day
There was an open slurry pit that cows would often fall into and would have to be rescued, this was at the back of our garden where the kids played,we had fires in exposed electrics ,a milking parlour so antiquated that I could not keep antibiotic milk separate from the normal milk risking massive fines.
The calves would keep dropping dead of diseases that were deeply ingrained into the fabric of the buildings we used for the calves because he would do nothing about it.

The grain silo used for the cow feed in the roller mill was not contained against the weather so that it would go mouldy risking the cows health , I sorted that one and they unsorted it.
They cleaned a cowshed out and put the animals into another where they had stored some dressed seed, the animals ate that and died,they tried to blame me for that ,I was not even there.
The agency I worked for were not interested ,they just wanted his money and one day I just snapped ,three years of 15 hr days had done me in .

I can now understand people in that state , you do not ask for help because it is like being in a deep dark hole with no way out, other people do not even come into your thoughts ,you feel utterly spent and worthless and anything would be better than carrying on.

I went and sat down in one of the cowsheds and thought long and hard about the situation and decided I would not be beaten by him or anyone .
I resigned on the spot and had the satisfaction of him and the agency asking me to stay ,if only for a couple of months to get some other poor mug in.

I feel stronger now, if I can survive that I can survive anything, I refuse to let anyone get me down and would rather rant and rave than keep quiet and suffer in silence.
I have what seems to be like a safety valve and when things get too much I explode and I do not care where I am or whom I am with, and I feel soooo much better after despite the shocked looks from others.

[luddite]

I used to worry about work to a point where I slipped into depression, which brought on panic attacks. Winter is always worst, it got so bad that while walking with my dog I started to look for a place where I could tie him up so I could jump into a flooding river, it was dark and I didn't want to go home, what stopped me was I thought my dog might follow me or not be found.
Depression creeps up on you.
It's easy to say 'talk to someone', my doctor offered me drugs which I refused, my parter didn't understand and still doesn't. It's very hard to explain that 5 years ago I was a walking zombie but today I'm full of beans and could take on the world but in 5 years time...who knows?
There is still a stigma involving mental health.
I was in town yesterday and someone told me that a local engineer was found lying on the shop floor crying, bloke who told me said that he always thought he was a bit 'weird', like I said stigma. Hope his family recognises he needs help.
I was taken to a tribunal by Royal mail on a false charge which because of the way I was they thought I wouldn't contest, I did and won. My confidence grew. I now try to help others, I'm probably more aggressive, pain in the arse to management but I also smile more.
I still struggle with a few things but on the whole I'm in a bright place.
As I said before depression creeps up on you, spirralling you down into a dark place where before you know it you can see no way out.
Not sure what advice I'd give other than the problems are usually small but seem big. Look up towards the horizon and keep walking towards it, you can get there but it may take time.

[interesting]

well i am certainly not the happier person i used to be that is for sure

[krussel]

Before working for Royal Mail I worked in agriculture, I had worked on many farms from Wales to Denmark and the last few years in that occupation I found myself being sent to work on failing dairy farms.
It was a farm in Worcester that nearly did me in.

My first day there started at 04:00 and finished 21:00 the next day, everyday was a relentless fight trying to change things or sort out problems from years of mismanagement and neglect of an alcoholic boss .
We had drains that would constantly block and flood the whole yard so everything would have to cleaned away and started again, this happened on Easter Sunday and New Years day
There was an open slurry pit that cows would often fall into and would have to be rescued, this was at the back of our garden where the kids played,we had fires in exposed electrics ,a milking parlour so antiquated that I could not keep antibiotic milk separate from the normal milk risking massive fines.
The calves would keep dropping dead of diseases that were deeply ingrained into the fabric of the buildings we used for the calves because he would do nothing about it.

The grain silo used for the cow feed in the roller mill was not contained against the weather so that it would go mouldy risking the cows health , I sorted that one and they unsorted it.
They cleaned a cowshed out and put the animals into another where they had stored some dressed seed, the animals ate that and died,they tried to blame me for that ,I was not even there.
The agency I worked for were not interested ,they just wanted his money and one day I just snapped ,three years of 15 hr days had done me in .

I can now understand people in that state , you do not ask for help because it is like being in a deep dark hole with no way out, other people do not even come into your thoughts ,you feel utterly spent and worthless and anything would be better than carrying on.

I went and sat down in one of the cowsheds and thought long and hard about the situation and decided I would not be beaten by him or anyone .
I resigned on the spot and had the satisfaction of him and the agency asking me to stay ,if only for a couple of months to get some other poor mug in.

I feel stronger now, if I can survive that I can survive anything, I refuse to let anyone get me down and would rather rant and rave than keep quiet and suffer in silence.
I have what seems to be like a safety valve and when things get too much I explode and I do not care where I am or whom I am with, and I feel soooo much better after despite the shocked looks from others.

Christ that sounds a terrible place to work

I thought the room of doom was bad.

[Lounge Lizard]

Before working for Royal Mail I worked in agriculture, I had worked on many farms from Wales to Denmark and the last few years in that occupation I found myself being sent to work on failing dairy farms.
It was a farm in Worcester that nearly did me in.

My first day there started at 04:00 and finished 21:00 the next day, everyday was a relentless fight trying to change things or sort out problems from years of mismanagement and neglect of an alcoholic boss .
We had drains that would constantly block and flood the whole yard so everything would have to cleaned away and started again, this happened on Easter Sunday and New Years day
There was an open slurry pit that cows would often fall into and would have to be rescued, this was at the back of our garden where the kids played,we had fires in exposed electrics ,a milking parlour so antiquated that I could not keep antibiotic milk separate from the normal milk risking massive fines.
The calves would keep dropping dead of diseases that were deeply ingrained into the fabric of the buildings we used for the calves because he would do nothing about it.

The grain silo used for the cow feed in the roller mill was not contained against the weather so that it would go mouldy risking the cows health , I sorted that one and they unsorted it.
They cleaned a cowshed out and put the animals into another where they had stored some dressed seed, the animals ate that and died,they tried to blame me for that ,I was not even there.
The agency I worked for were not interested ,they just wanted his money and one day I just snapped ,three years of 15 hr days had done me in .

I can now understand people in that state , you do not ask for help because it is like being in a deep dark hole with no way out, other people do not even come into your thoughts ,you feel utterly spent and worthless and anything would be better than carrying on.

I went and sat down in one of the cowsheds and thought long and hard about the situation and decided I would not be beaten by him or anyone .
I resigned on the spot and had the satisfaction of him and the agency asking me to stay ,if only for a couple of months to get some other poor mug in.

I feel stronger now, if I can survive that I can survive anything, I refuse to let anyone get me down and would rather rant and rave than keep quiet and suffer in silence.
I have what seems to be like a safety valve and when things get too much I explode and I do not care where I am or whom I am with, and I feel soooo much better after despite the shocked looks from others.

Christ that sounds a terrible place to work

I thought the room of doom was bad.

And not very nice for the cattle too.

[DirtyHarry]

well i am certainly not the happier person i used to be that is for sure

Ditto that.

[venger]

This is a good thread and I'd like to contribute.

I've had thoughts of suicide since the age of 12. Since I left junior school and went to comprehensive. Although these thoughts have passed for a length of time they're always there, somewhere, lingering in the back of my mind.

I try to fill my life with things. I read, write, draw, play instruments. I've worked for charities, been a youth worker in a local church. It helped but I was only really putting the problems away for a little while.
Some people may think that this job - being outside in the fresh air, no boss looking over your shoulder would be really good, and it is (To a degree). But with it comes one problem I don't think anyone has mentioned; It gives you an awful lot of time to THINK. I don't see many people on my delivery anymore, so 90% of the time I'm on my own. Far too much time to think.

I'm sure there are worse jobs to have but there are many problems not only within RM but this job also creates problems. I've lost a few friends because they got sick of me not being able to attend get-togethers and other things. I've had to miss out on holidays with people because I simply couldn't get the time off work. I realise that it's really their problem that they can't understand the structure within RM, but it's just another thing to add on top.
This job HAS got worse, I don't care what anyone says. When I first started. I came in at 5:20am, was out on delivery by 7:00 - 7:30 and finished by 9:30 - 10:00. Back in the office and actually had time to have something to eat. Then did sorting for the remainder of the shift. I understand "Things change" but all the broken promises get on top of you after a while. The weather also doesn't help.

It's not a case of 'talk to someone about it" as BS male bravado often gets in the way. I completely agree with the '5 minutes either way' because that's all it takes.
I haven't even mentioned the things in my personal life but I want to keep this more focused around the job.

[clashcityrocker]

Do you lot listen to Black Sabbath records backwards?