Post Office’s new broadband service guarantees next day deli

[TrueBlueTerrier]

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In a bold move, which merges technology with tradition, the Post Office has launched its new Internet service with the firm promise that all emails will be delivered the day after sending.

‘In launching our ISP, we are capturing the quintessential qualities that the public has come to recognise from a nationalised provider,’ said Managing Director, David Smith. ‘We are so confident of our service that I can categorically say that even if your email is sent after 5:30pm, we guarantee its delivery the following day, if not first thing in the morning, certainly by lunchtime. Well let’s say teatime just to be on the safe side. That is, of course, provided that the next day is not a Sunday or a public holiday.’

‘In the usual manner,’ he continued, ‘we are able to deliver packages of all sizes, and if the recipient is not logged in, we promise to leave a simple email giving details of where they can collect their attachments. Unless they look fragile, in which case we’ll just go to their house and chuck them over the gate.’

Mr Smith announced; ‘Customers will have full online access and be able to shop in the usual way. Our joint venture with catalogue retailer Argos is promising to deliver the same standard that High Street shoppers have relished for many years,’ he boasted. ‘At busy times, the internet shopper will be given a number allowing them to visit their chosen website within half an hour of going on line. And, on top of all this, our shopping service will be available, at no extra charge, on Sundays between the hours of 10am and 4pm.’

To differentiate itself from the crowded internet market, the Post Office will charge a set amount for each email sent, offering first and standard class prices for the service. ‘This is a truly innovative pricing structure,’ said BBC’s Technology Correspondent Rory Cellan-Jones, ‘but they have been rather coy about delivery times. I called them last week and they promised to respond by email straight away, but I have yet to receive a reply.’

Mr Smith finished with a plea for customers, ‘There is always a rush at holiday times, so we recommend that all customers email early for Christmas, especially if they are sending large attachments abroad.‘

(hat-tip to vertically challenged giant)

[Straight4ward]

I'm sure that there ought to be a gag about downstream access in here.
Anyone help me out?