ASBO powder puff whose only offence is to scare the postie

[TrueBlueTerrier]

My ASBO powder puff whose only offence is to scare the odd postie away

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The shame is wearing me down. All these years of thinking I was quite good at the whole mothering business. . . but now I realise I'm a thoroughly Bad Woman.

I've been lolling about, cracking open bottles of wine, scoffing chocolates and watching CSI:NY and Law And Order instead of imposing discipline - on my little dog. As a result, even though her extensive wardrobe doesn't contain a single hoodie, Bonnie has an ASBO.

The crime scene, it seems, is my own front door and the victim one or other of the innocent hardworking men charged with the important task of delivering letters to Mooney Mansion.

The first I knew about Bonnie's savagery was a letter on Royal Mail letter-heading, from a ' Compliance Manager', announcing: 'It has been brought to my attention that postal staff is (sic) experiencing difficulties in delivering mail to your address due to an aggressive animal' and adding sternly: 'We place the highest priority on the safety and security of our employees.'

I reeled. You see, I am the doting human companion of a minuscule mutt - a pint-sized Maltese terrier who yelps a lot but is about as dangerous as a powder puff. It's no exaggeration to say she couldn't hurt a fly.

Notice, I don't say 'wouldn't' - because she would if she could. She has murderous intentions all right - the trouble is, they're miniaturised.

In that walnut-sized brain, her own piercing yip, yip, yip is Godzilla's roar. Everybody who comes to the house is greeted as though they were a Viking pillager - and she is the only one who can protect us all. This lapdog doesn't know that her 'bite' is nothing of the sort, given that she is severely dentally-challenged, having lost her lower front teeth.

Oh, be scared, be very scared, all you delivery folk! Ring on my doorbell and be gummed to death.
Yet this is the pooch that officialdom has decreed is as terrifying as a Rottweiler. It didn't stop with the first letter. Next day another one arrived, this from Bath and North East Somerset Council.

The heading was: Dangerous Dogs Act 1991, and it said: 'It is alleged that when you (sic) postman attends you (sic) property he has problems with your dog being allowed to jump and nip at him.' My bijou baby is accused and I hang my head and tremble.

The letter warned: 'Under the Act it is an offence for any person in charge of a dog . . . to allow it to become dangerously out of control and as such, if the dog injures person or property, the owner. . . will be held liable.' It was signed by the dreaded Dog Warden.

Grr. . . Is there room in Holloway for the pair of us, I wonder - two rather small, badly-behaved females, the ladettes of Bath's Lansdown Hill?

I suppose I should have seen it coming. And in a way, I did. Since 2007 I've been writing a series of children's books that star a Maltese dog called Bonnie.

In one of the stories, I made up an absurdly unlikely (I thought) scenario where a new, grumpy postman complains about the ditsy little dog rushing out and jumping at him - and the Post Office manager writes to warn that if the dog is not kept under control 'there would be serious consequences'.

And now - aaagh! - it's all come true. Eat your heart out Nostradamus, I'm going into the daft prediction business.

Let me make two things clear. First, I know dogs have to be kept under control, since some breeds can certainly inflict damage, and it's not funny. Yesterday's tragic story of a four-year-old boy mauled to death by a dog in Liverpool is a stark reminder that some breeds are a social menace that can inflict the most appalling injuries.

Second, I really like postmen. My uncle Dan was a Liverpool postie in the days when the uniform had military chic, and for two Christmases as a student I worked on the post, accepting so many nips of sherry I stuffed cards through the wrong doors.

Never mind what pain their union might choose to inflict on us all this Christmas or that their managers seem inept, my postmen have always been sweeties and I won't hear a word against them.

But surely this curious incident of Bonnie The Terrible is a case of proportion and perspective - like so many aspects of wimpish, worrisome Britain. I mean, check out the proportions of the handbag hound - she barely comes up to my ankles, with a coat like a giant snowflake.

But rules are rules. And Bonnie's bark, every time a letter drops on the mat, has obviously created the impression that she is more Hound Of The Baskerville's than Powder Puff Pooch.

So what can be done to clear her name?

The Post Office has given me details of a labyrinthine, threestage appeals procedure.

It says things like: 'The Delivery Sector Manager has 1 month to undertake a review and give you a decision based on that review,' and: 'If you are still unhappy you can appeal within 1 month of the Stage 1 decision to the Royal Mail Regional Director of Quality and Service Integrity,' etc.

It was a masterclass in impenetrable English. Reading it, I wanted to slit my own throat with a letter opener.

So what am I supposed to do? I'd give the lapdog a verbal lambasting, only somebody's bound to be snooping, and report me to the RSPCA for supposed cruelty. I could put a muzzle on her - a thimble should suffice in her case.

Or I could take her to dog training. The least they'd achieve is teach her to sit and beg, and the cur's so cute we'd doubtless make a lot of money if we tried our luck on the street corner.

Or I could have her seen by one of the those new pet psychiatrists. She'd be quite at home on a velvet couch, gently grizzling that her ASBO is naturally her owner's fault. Or I could just treat it for what it is - a laughable overreaction, and a symbol of Nannying Britain at its silliest.

The other day, a courier from a private despatch company came to the door to deliver a parcel, braving the white whirlwind yipping away as usual. He was burly, pierced, tattooed.

Newly afraid that Someone In Authority will take Bonnie away to the great dog pound in the sky, I held her, wriggling furiously, under one arm, and struggled to sign for the delivery at the same time. Meanwhile the butch courier waggled a finger at the titchy toy and crooned unlikely 'coochy-coo' sounds.

'Grrrrr!' responded Bonnie. 'Hey, would you be bothered by this dog?' I asked - and recounted my tale of woe.

'Those postmen - they're havin' a laugh, right?' he said, with a guffaw. 'Wait till I tell the lads at the depot.' He was still chortling as he walked down the path - pausing just once to glance back at the ball of fluff, shake his head, grin and give me a wink.

'Now that's a real man, Bonnie,' I sighed.

I guess all I can do is wait for the Knock On The Door. If it's the postman, he'll always ring twice. And maybe Bonnie and I will wait on the mat one day soon, and jump out and both give postie a big sloppy kiss.

Ooh, now that really will be scary. Who knows, perhaps it'll be my turn for an ASBO?

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[TrueBlueTerrier]

from the Daily Fail again

[pinstripe]

What is the difference between this 'lady' and the yobs that allow their pit bulls or staffs to roam the streets. Answer, nothing, they both refuse to accept responsibility for their pets.
Still what else do we expect from them.

[stokes11eg]

MM. wonder if she has heard about the 4 year old mauled to death this morning. Anyone who has suffered aven a puncture wound from a dog, small or otherwise, will know how dangerous it can be. infections set in and can cause blood poisoning--this happened in our office, and in my own case,even with a small wound, Ihad to attend Hwalth centre daily for three weeks yo have the infection drained. This woman needs to hang her head in shame.

[rhino49]

A Doc Marten Boot is about the same size as a Maltese Terrier but weighs a lot more with a postman inside it - however, they are much more disciplined than the aforementioned pooch but I wonder which would come out best if the proper training and discipline of the Doc Martens boot were put aside for a brief moment?

[pinstripe]

wonder if she has heard about the 4 year old mauled to death this morning. .........
This woman needs to hang her head in shame.

She writes for the Daily Mail, she has no shame. Does anyone really think that the Daily Mail would let the tragic death of a child get in the way of their daily union busting article.

[POSTMAN]

You can comment on this one,wack them in guys.