POSTMANS UNIVERSAL LAWS

[the dragon]

Its a busy day and youve got mail for virtually every house and guess what , the only ones you dont have mail for ...you have a parcel !!!
Or if your quite a lot later towards the end of your round and you get the usual "LATE WITH MY MAIL TODAY POSTIE " I reply ,no this is tomorrows mail that happens to be early...totally stumps them !!!!!!

[bexhil palace]

A mate of mine missed delivered, and the occupier came steaming out in a rage,
for Gods sake man can't you read?
My mate replied, as a matter of fact no i can't.
The guy just stood there, shrugged his shoulders,and walked back indoors.

[proper postie]

Passing a high school one lunch time

Wee dick acting smart: ha ha! postman Pat!

Me: that must make you Jess then ya wee pussy

Clamped as all his wee mates laughed at him:)

[dblad]

Put a mis prepped letter in door by mistake, bloke comes out shouting about it then says where the hell have you posted mine then.
People who take ages at the door, you see them come try it, its locked 5 mins later they open it and say "sorry couldn't find the key", feck sake how longs the bloody thing been locked.

[sidewinder]

Surprised this onehasnt come up,which I get quite a lot from various people is....my insert friend/family member...has sent a packet from ...insert country...and it hasnt arrived.Can you find out where it is? That one really pisses me off.Also someone running down the road waving a tnt/dhl/parcelforce or whatever docket and politely telling them nothing to do with me,only to be met with I was in etc etc.Sorry love,not my problem!

[mdm]

workmen singing postman pat or wheres your black and white cat, to which i reply ' it went mad, so i shot it' (OK I'll get my coat), a dog that bit me once and the owner said its never done that before and i said, sarcastically 'well there's a first time for everything!', households that have dog s**t all over the paths and like everyone else, every day and i mean every day some twonk will say if its a bill you can take it back! aaaaaaargh and gates that are locked and I've a bundle of mail/packets for them, really the list is endless.

[DH73]

[Postman Plodd]

And lo, upon any given day, it is writ, LARGE, that upon pressing every button on the intercom of sheltered accomodation and failing to receive an answer therein, with great fear and trepidation thou dost press for THE WARDEN only to hear 'There is no Warden on site, you have got through to the control centre, you'll have to try a resident!'. And there endeth Post Operative Plodd's good humour and cheerful demeanour and there was a great wailing and a gnashing of teeth and people were sore afraid...
Amen

[fishtank]

And lo, upon any given day, it is writ, LARGE, that upon pressing every button on the intercom of sheltered accomodation and failing to receive an answer therein, with great fear and trepidation thou dost press for THE WARDEN only to hear 'There is no Warden on site, you have got through to the control centre, you'll have to try a resident!'. And there endeth Post Operative Plodd's good humour and cheerful demeanour and there was a great wailing and a gnashing of teeth and people were sore afraid...
Amen

Very true for no matter how many times i ask THE WARDEN on a monday to add my name to the exclusive list the control centre deems fit to enter the building on a saturday,every saturday without fail i get the "your not on the list,your not getting in,you will have to try a resident!

[Postman Plodd]

And to add insult to injury on the PENULTIMATE day of a long stint on one walk i was given.......by THE WARDEN..........wait for it............
THE CODE NUMBER FOR THE INTERCOM TO LET MESELF IN!!!!!! ...... i spent 10 minutes the next day trying it only to find out they'd given me the OLD code

[johnc]

"That'll save your legs son" What! nine steps less a day will prevent me being crippled.
"Have you no got a parcel for me,son" as I walk past their gate, Yes but i'm keeping it.
"It comes in the front door and goes oot the back door" as I deliver their D2D's.

[Mezza]

Every feckin day...." i don't want bills!!"

to which i reply " they aren't bills, there yours you twat!"

[Postman Plodd]

'Sorry, i dont take parcels in for neighbours, ive had hassles doing it in the past."
Guess who turns up at the callers office complaining that i could have left their parcel with neighbours rather than dragging them all the way into town? yeah top marks....

And the folk who have the 'Dont leave parcels with neighbours' notices are NEVER F**KING IN when you call with half a bag full of their ebay purchases.

[Nobodyshero]

Knocking on a door with a packet customer comes to the door to find its locked "won't be a minute I'll just go get my key" they come back a couple of minutes later but still try the door before using the key like it magically opened
or a customer complaining about a mis-delivered leter which they have opened in error but still say its clear its not for them why did you open it then
Knobhead dole dossers with nothing better to do than wait behind the door and pretend to be a dog "your bird would be better at that mate the ugly bitch"

[Indy]

In the 4 floor block of flats no one will have any mail EXCEPT the bloke on the forth floor and no lift.... grrrr!