Surprise presence – Mandy’s manifesto gifts

[TrueBlueTerrier]

http://www.tribunemagazine.co.uk/2010/0 ... sto-gifts/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

I had a terrible nightmare over the festive break. I was a youngster again and had been taken into a grotto for an encounter with Santa. For a time, I was occupied with being helped up onto a knee and only later did I turn my eyes upon the face of Father Christmas. There, above me, instead of the smiling and ruddy festive visage I had expected, beamed down a cold, half-human figure. It was Peter Mandelson.

He seized me by the lapels and brought his face to within a millimetre of my own. “So what do you want, you ungrateful little git?” he demanded.

“I’d like a Spiderman outfit,” I blubbered. He stared at me with unconcealed contempt.

“You’ve no chance. It would cost a lot more than you’re worth, it offends against health and safety regulations by encouraging vertical perambulation and besides which, if I had one, I’d flog it on eBay. Now get out. Why would I bother to get a Spiderman outfit for you, you lumpen leftie lout?’

“Because it’s Christmas”, I mumbled.

The change in Santa’s attitude was immediate and extreme. He smiled at me, rubbed my hair and said I was a jolly nice fellow. It was at this stage that I wet the bed.

The nocturnal disturbance wouldn’t leave me. The image of Mandy suddenly becoming sensitive and kindly was too haunting. And then, weeks after the dream, I saw it actually happening. Peter Mandelson is currently playing Father Christmas and will continue to do so until he has completed Labour’s manifest-ho-ho-ho.

Mandy’s been inviting all manner of persons to tell him what they’d like to find in their general election stocking. People at policy forums have been consulted, trade union leaders have been tolerated, groups have been focused and big conversations held. “What would you like this year?”’ Santa Mandy has asked. “You tell me and I’ll write it down for you.”

So in comes the postal workers’ leader. “I’d like Royal Mail to stay in public hands.”

“OK,’ says Mandy. “I’ll write that down for you and you leave a bag full of cash with my secretary.”

“Thank you, Lord Mandy.”

“Ho ho ho.”

Once Billy’s shadow departs, Mandy calls in the specialist team who help him to get the manifesto together. These are a hand-picked body of men, avid readers of Finnegan’s Wake, who are known collectively as the Vaguists. Their task is to take simple concepts and make them ambiguous and equivocal. When not employed on manifestos, many of t

hem work for academics, complicating easy theories.

“That obnoxious Hayes fellow wants a commitment that the Royal Mail will stay public. Any suggestions?”

“What about saying that, given the nature of the constraints of the Treaty of Rome and the indeterminate outcome of the interim undertakings on fiscal and tax-gathering imperatives, it is not outside the bounds of some possibilities that undertakings may be offered, notwithstanding and excepting external events that the matter of financing Royal Mail and its locality within a fully competitive market can, with commercial freedom, be deemed within the possibility zone?”

“Yes, that sounds reasonable. You see, it is important that we don’t blatantly backtrack on manifesto proposals. So the trick is not to give any.”

One idea being closely considered was the result of Mandy watching Mission Impossible over the Christmas break. He thought it was the story of a man who was kicked out of office twice, yet still managed to pretend he was squeaky clean. Although disappointed in this, he was greatly taken by the way the message self-destructs after being heard once.

“It’s perfect for a manifesto”, he enthused. “Find out how they do that.”

The detonating devices would increase the cost of production a little, but it is only marginal because manifestos are among the most expensive books ever produced. This expenditure is in direct inverse proportion to its readership. How many people not being paid to do so are likely to plough their way through a political party’s manifesto? Apart from fundamentalist insomniacs, I couldn’t name one. There’s no point, you see. Because it doesn’t say anything.

Mandy likes that aspect of them. You can see him humming to himself as he replaces “will’ with “might” and “is committed to” with “may consider”:

“Manny Festo – seems to me

He’s as vague as he can be

It says ‘Two’ but could read ‘Three’

Fuzzy Manny Festo!

Manny Festo’s dark or fair

Made of concrete or of air

Could be either horse or mare

Elusive Manny Festo!”

When they began life, manifestos used to say what a party was going to do if it got elected. Now they are mechanisms for explaining in advance why it’s unlikely that anything will be implemented. Their undertakings fade into obscurity like the “Third Way” or the “Radical Third Term”.

Mandy is unrepentant. “After all”, he says, “Communists have manifestos, so they must be wrong.” But some have been vital and important in the development of 21st century political thinking, such as the gripping 2006 Euston Manifesto. I can say with confidence that this particular document is as widely read today as it was on the day it was published.

[Yahoorsur]

Very good.;-)it made me laugh.

[Ahebban]

Smiles, yes indeed .. more than a hint of 'Yes, Prime Minister' in that piece of writing

[norbert]

Smiles, yes indeed .. more than a hint of 'Yes, Prime Minister' in that piece of writing

According to the boat rocking Ginger Dwarf Hazel Blears - the Government is comprised of decent people

The Unions should have got rid of her when she had to face a panel . Now it's going to be a media circus with the BNP candidate from Carlisle standing against her .

http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/g ... zel-blears" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[simjan]

love it!