Is this Ed Miliband?
AS Gordon Brown fights for his political life the Daily Mash brings you a guide to the key players in the tumultuous battle for the heart and soul of the Labour party. No, we don't really give a s**t either.
THE LOYALISTS
Lord Mandelson: Once Mr Brown's most deadly enemy, now described as his 'rock', which is perfect cover for the man who remains his most deadly enemy.
Jacqui Smith: A woman of stature, integrity, wisdom and great judgeme... oh dear, almost managed to get all the way through that. Loves Brown almost as much as her husband loves the skin flicks.
Ed Balls: The prime minister's right hand man who now harbours ambitions to succeed him. But backbenchers are divided; Some say he is a charmless, gutless little turd, while others insist he has a face you could punch all day.
Ed Miliband: We have no idea who this person is.
Yvette Cooper: Married to Ed Balls. Looks and sounds like a 12 year-old boy. Comprehensively unbearable.
Douglas Alexander: Married to Ed Balls. Looks and sounds like a 12 year-old girl. Comprehensively unbearable.
Alistair Darling: Once the prime minister's most trusted lieutenant but in recent months has grown uncomfortable with Mr Brown drumming his fingers so far up his lower intestine.
Nick Brown: The chief whip has been described as Mr Brown's 'hatchet man' as if he's some kind of East End gangster, but is actually just some fat ponce of a politician who would piss himself in a bar fight.
THE DISLOYALISTS
David Miliband: Enjoys bananas... Has dark hair... Quite tall? Unless we're thinking of someone else.
Hazel Blears: Britain's most powerful Borrower. Lives inside the skirting boards at Number 10 where she chews through the modem cables and eats off an old bobbin. Can make a Babybel cheese last for a month.
John Hutton: Brown's long-term enemy who once said he would be a 'f***ing disaster' as PM and is therefore the cleverest man in the Labour Party by a 'f***ing mile'.
James Purnell: If it looks like a junior salesman and sounds like a junior salesman, you call it what it is.
Jim Murphy: Has been described by close friends and family as 'the lowest point in the history of Cabinet government'.
THE NEUTRAL COWARDS
Alan Johnson: Played the postman in Eastenders from 1987 to 1994. Rumours persist that he his Ricky Butcher's real father. Insists he has no interest in being leader but now has the bleary-eyed look of a man who is up half the night wanking over the very thought of it.
John Denham: We have no idea who this person is.
Jack Straw: Described, usually by himself, as a 'safe pair of hands' and Labour's 'kingmaker' but is in fact totally irrelevant and always has been.
Andy Burnham: Claims he always really wanted to be the lead guitarist in an indie band but instead of actually trying to do that decided to put on a Marks and Spencers suit and become a f***ing politician.
Hilary Benn: Has a girl's name but wears men's shoes so may be in the middle of sexual reassignment. Nobody knows whether it's man to woman or woman to man.
Harriet Harman: Worst. Person. Ever.
