Leighton and Crozier Philosophy

[dogfood]

Which of the following do AL and AC adhere to?

SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows, and you give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads because you want three cows.

JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. Both are mad.

IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

WELSH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.

I would say
The American Corporation: and the Enron Venture Capitalism.

[k979aaa]

You have two cows you overload them both carrying their fat carcases :lfo & :cfo tell both the cows they are not prouduceing their quota of milk and fire both of them (ie shoot them) and get some longlife milk from the suppermarket (AS*A).

[TrueBlueTerrier]

Strange how these topics pop up so far apart in time:

http://www.royalmailchat.co.uk/forum/vi ... cows#41779 But I added this bit

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. The Government says you have to buy a licence to milk them, but first you have to do a risk assessment, which only the government Quango is allowed to carry out. They charge you 5 times the cost of doing it. They find that the three legged stool is a risk under health and safety. You have to buy the EC approved 5 legged stool that is designed to support a milk maid of up to 250 kilos. It is too heavy to carry. The stool exceeds EC weight lifting limits for workers by 4 kilos, which just happens to be the weight of the fifth leg. To shift the stool from one cow to the other you therefore need a special (EC approved) trolley. The new stool and trolley are so expensive that you have to mortgage one of the cows to pay for them and pay for the mandatory training course you must take to get your licence to milk the cows. You sell your milk to the supermarket chain that pays you next to nothing for it, and then they sell it to their customers for four times what they paid you. Then they release a press statement about how wonderful they are to support British Cows. The rest of the world thinks your cows are mad but you and your cows know that it is not true and Anyway the rest of the world, have no intention of identifying and counting their mad cows so people in other countries don't know their cows are really, really barmy do they. You sell your cows to a Polish Migrant worker and your farm to a Russian 'investment bank' and then you leave to buy a villa by the sea in a country where it is sunny and the cost of milk is a tenth the cost of milk at home. They don't have a National Health Service.......but you are so happy and relaxed your health improves and you live to be a hundred.

Royal Mail: You have 2 cows but they are under worked so they must cover other farms during Summer lulls, they are also overfed and can now expect to only eat 60% of what they previously received, but their productivity cannot be allowed to drop. If it is required for them to spend longer at the milking machine every tactic can be used, including intimidation, to make sure they stay at the machine. If the cows decide this is not fair then reiterate that you don't do human excrement and anyway that's the offer there is nothing else on the table. When the 2 cows start rolling strikes, and gain the support of the pigs and chickens, your milk becomes backlogged you offer to go back into talks, although you know this is an empty gesture. Of course don't forget to give all Management grades huge bonuses, it is just coincidence of course that the total amount of bonuses nearly matches how much the farm lost last year.

[k979aaa]

No kidding pull the udder one after all adam always wanted to be hands on and alan knows all about the supermaket milk trade!.

[Carnoustie]

You have two cows, but the State Competition Regulator for England, Wales & Extended Dependencies orders you to let your neighbour milk your cows, and he pays you 32p per pint for milk that you have to deliver at a retail price of 29p per pint. Your neighbour's farm expands, and you are Royally SCREWED

[greynut]

You have two cows producing 20 gallons of milk each per day.

The boss says that you should be producing 50 gallons. So they kill one cow and bring in one from Eastern Europe. He deilvers 40 gallons alone but throws 30 in the river and sends the other 10 home for his family.

[rhino49]

another common factor - BULLSHIT !!!